Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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