How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
