Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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