If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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