You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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