I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
