Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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