I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
