A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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