Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
