It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
