I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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