He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
