Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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