and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the day after is always just damage control
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
