Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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