Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
