Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I won't apologize to a one balled man
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize