I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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