I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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