ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
