I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
