clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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