his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
