i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
