you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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