Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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