my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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