OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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