i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
