So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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