What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
