If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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