Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's rum buckets o'clock
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize