I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
