New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
