he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
