guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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