apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
