There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize