Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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