I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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