So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
