I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
