Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
