Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
