someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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