Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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