i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
3 2 1 whiskey
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
