she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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