if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
