I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
