I cannot find my penis.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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