Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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