she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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