why do cheetos always look like penises
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
