Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
When did angry sex become our thing?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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