so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
