Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's shark week go big or go home
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
