Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
